Introduction1 

 
1 What is Transference?    7           
        How We Defend   9
       Getting You to Feel for Me   11
        One of Our Habits   12
        The Birth of Our Expectations   16
        Do We Hope or Despair?   20

2 What Transference Does and Why   27     
        The Clues   28
       Causes and Choices   30
       Noticing What We Are Up To   31
       We Have Good Reason to Transfer   37
        Practice: Address, Process, Resolve, and Integrate   42

3 Ways We Can Be Together    47      
        The Real You, the Real Me   51
       Practice: Presence, Mindfulness, and Loving-kindness   54

4 Reactions and Reacting    59      
       Persons, Pets, Places, and Things   59
       On the Job Too   62
       Practice: In the Workplace   64
       The Critic Within   69
       Practice: Releasing Ourselves from Our Myths   69
       Why Others Get to Us as They Do   72
        Practices
            Seeing What Gets in the Way   74
            Opening   75
            F.A.C.E-ing Ourselves   75
            Searching Questions   76
            From Trigger to Anchor   77
       Handling Other's Reactions to Us   78
       Practice: Power in Responding   80

5 How Our Fears Figure In   83
        Four Fearsome Hurdles    84
            Comings and Goings   86
            Giving and Receiving   88
            Being Accepted and Being Rejected   89
            Letting Go and Moving On   91
       Practice: Scaling the Hurdles with Grace   92

6 Our Compulsion to Repeat   96
       Events too Huge   99
       Something Ancient and Primitive about Abandonment   103
       The Impact on Us   105
       Hate and Hurt   106
       Practice: Staying with Feeling   107

7 Memories of Mistreatment    109
    Ongoing Stress   112
    Our Delicate Timing   114
    We Don't All Have to Go Back   115
    Practices
          Honoring Timing and Lifestyle   117
          Identifying What Is Missing   118

8 The Physical Dimension   120
       How the Brain Figures In   123
       Practice: Alternatives to Freezing Up   126

9 Our Yearning for Both Comfort and Challenge    129
       Practice: How to Grieve and Let Go   134
       Grief in the Family   137
       Practice: Handling Regret and Disappointment   140

10 Mirrors and Ideals   143
       Our Search for Mirroring Love   144
       Can't Live without You    145
       A Bridge Appears   147
       Where Our Ideals Came From   148
       The Gift of Self   149
       How Our Needs Are Transformed   151
       Transference Meets Us Everywhere   155
       Practices
          New Ways of Trusting   156
          Whom Do We Trust?   157
          Examining Our Ideals   158

11 Why I Love You But Don't Really See You
        Sex and Erotic Transferences   160
        Sex as Addiction   162
       Love and In Love   163
       Daring an Adult Love   165
       Working Out Our Relationship Clashes   169
       How Codependency Arises   171
       Practices
          Committing to Loving-kindness   172
          Entering Another's World   173

12 Noticing Transferences in Our Relationships   175
       Practice: Letting Conflicts Helps Us   176
       Good-Enough Relating   178
       The Introvert/Extrovert Dimension in Relating   180
       Working Back in Time   182
       We Really Can Be Here Now   183
       Practice: Pausing to Check In and Settle In   185

13 From Transference to Transformation   188
       Our Psychological Work   188
       Practice: A Checklist    190
       How Spiritual Practice Renews Us   191
       Hidden Help   193
       How It All Comes Together   194
       Practice: Opening to Spiritual Shifts   195

14 Transferring Beyond the Personal   199
       The Archetypes We Live With   200
       Acknowledge or Disavow Our Wholeness?   203
       The Example of Patriotism   205
       Religion and Transference   207
       Light and Dark   210

Epilogue
A Jungian View of Our Larger Life   213